We are all sexual beings – and having cancer doesn’t change that.
Sexuality is not just about sex. It is about who you are, how you see yourself, how you express yourself sexually and your sexual feelings for others.
It is different for everyone, and is influenced by many things including religion, culture, age and situation.
It is expressed in many ways – the clothes you wear, the way you move, the way you have sex and who you have sex with.
The mind
Sexuality starts in the mind. Your brain is responsible for making you feel interested in sex. If you are anxious, sad or worried about your cancer and its treatment, you will probably be less aroused by thoughts of sex.
The mind also affects how you feel about your body and how you think it looks.
Common worries
- Embarrassment about physical changes, including hair loss, scars and other changes from treatments.
- Concern that your partner won't find you attractive anymore, or that they can catch cancer from you.
- Anxiety about your sexual performance.
- You may think you look less attractive.
- If you are single you may be worried about explaining the situation to a new partner.
These worries and others are common when you have cancer. It can help to talk to a professional about how you are feeling. Call Cancer Council Helpline 13 11 20 Monday-Friday 8.30 am - 5.30 pm.
Getting back to sex after cancer treatment
Good communication is really important! Talk about your feelings, concerns and what you think may help you. If you avoid the topic, neither you or your partner will get your needs met.
Try not to let embarrassment get in the way, even though talking about sexual needs can be hard. If you are used to talking about this before, it will probably be easier. Even if there were no problems before, cancer can strain a relationship. Talk to someone if you’re finding it difficult.
Getting ready for sex
- Talk about your fears with your partner – if you feel uncomfortable about them looking at you, if you think it will hurt, or that you’re now unattractive, or that you won’t be able to perform.
- Let them know when you feel ready, if they should do anything different, and how they can help you become aroused.
- Ask your partner how they feel – they might be worried about hurting you.
- Take it slowly at first. Try just touching first, and let your partner know what feels good.
- Plan ahead. Choosing a good time for sex can help deal with pain and fatigue, as well as build arousal.
- Focus on other aspects of your relationship – many relationships don’t need sex to sustain them.
- Be patient. You will probably find that problems get better with time and practice.
- Use sexual fantasies to distract you from negative thoughts about yourself, pain or fears about performance.
- Don’t be too disappointed if you don’t reach full orgasm at first. Try again.
- Talk to a sexual counsellor together if things aren’t working out.
How partners can help
- Let your partner know that you love them and still find them attractive.
- Remind yourself of other qualities you find attractive – sense of humour, intelligence and personality.
- Talk to your partner about when they feel ready for sex, and what feels good for them.
- Go at their pace. Show love and attraction in other ways such as touching, holding, hugging and massaging.
- Remember, cancer can’t be passed from person to person through sex.
- Give yourself time to adjust – even though treatment has finished you and your partner may still feel low and drained.
- Talk to a counsellor if you are having a hard time understanding your own or your partners’ feelings.
What if I don’t have a partner?
If you’ve had major body changes after cancer treatment, finding a new partner can seem daunting. Try not to let this stop you from socialising, take small steps to start with and don’t be hard on yourself!
It can be difficult to tell people that you’ve had a breast or testis removed, or a stoma.
- You may want to wait until you feel it could develop into a relationship before sharing the information.
- Try practising what to say beforehand.
- You could show them any physical changes before any sexual activity so you can both get used to how that makes you feel.
If a new relationship doesn’t work out, don’t automatically blame the cancer. Remember that not every relationship worked out before you had cancer.
Need to talk to someone?
Call Cancer Council Helpline 13 11 20
Shine SA 08 8364 0444 or 1800 188 171 for country callers Relationships Australia 1300 364 277 - your call will automatically be directed to the nearest Relationships Australia office in your area.
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